Final Fantasy Hacktics

Quote from: Xifanie on March 28, 2012, 11:18:43 am
My only regret is never finishing KoI, which is still my dream.

Quote from: Elric42 on March 28, 2012, 07:30:21 pm
I still think you should finish it, I would definitely help out event-wise and such.

Quote from: Joseph Strife on March 28, 2012, 10:49:01 pm
I still think you should finish it, I would definitely help out event-wise and such.
And so would i, it is one of my goals too. Make a patch where Delita is the main2 Character. Can count me in Xif.

2

count me in i can help photoshop wise and other ability manip. stuff

It is one thing to be open-minded.  If I weren't, I would condemn you for doing what I personally feel is unnatural.

However, it is another to silence criticism.  Xif, although the best I can do is imagine the pain you have experienced, the way you have responded to criticism in the early months of your change created an impregnable wall, an unspeakable topic on IRC for which we all had to pay you deference.  (I have no doubt given your mental state then, such deference may have been necessary.)  However, this legacy still remains.  Just as you were put in a position of overall distrust by your family, in FFH's extended "family", I didn't feel like I could publicly reveal my concerns without being shot down as an insensitive bigot or an incorrigible paternalist who had neither the right (nor experience) to lecture someone else on their life.

I've read the posts by the old Zodiac in Spam and I recall him vividly on IRC.  In Spam, he was every bit as bad as Voldemort: he harassed many newcomers so often, and for so little reason, that it became part of his mythos.  His public hypocrisy about the nature of his emotions was also quite disturbing: I recall him very impatiently telling me that he was perfectly patient and never emotional when I was making a really dumb ASM error.  I commend you, Xifanie, for having the compassion to see that was wrong and having the courage to do something about it.

However, I feel in the process of finding yourself, you've swung too much in the opposite direction.  If Zodiac's insistence on "emotionless" logic (and the anti-social, elitist, and selfish hypocrisy needed to maintain it) was wrong, is what you have alternatively embraced (the primacy of emotion and happiness, and the resultant anxieties and breakdowns) so much better?  Yes, you are undoubtedly happier (and for someone who never had much positive emotion before, it's like a beggar discovering a gold mine), but is your happiness the only thing that matters?  Maybe this is just me (who grew up with parents who emphasized duty before personal satisfaction), but I think your refusal to consider anything "logical" because of its association with Zodiac is an unhealed wound, which you are using as an avoidance tactic, a means of excusing yourself from tasks you don't wish to perform.  However, in the long term, this kind of selfishness will only impose barriers on what you can do in life.

Nor does this merely affect yourself; despite the increased ASM activity, we all miss your presence as a hacker and leader.  Your mind may have been rewired by estrogen so you are less inclined to focus for 8 hours straight, but you are still the same person who built this site, built so many of our collective tools, taught me and so many others the basics of MIPS assembly, and led us through so much toil.  I have no doubt you still have these capacities and it saddens me with regret that you wish to throw such gifts away.  No matter how diminished you think you are, no matter how out of practice of an ASMer you think you are compared to me, or SA, or Glain, you will always have a place in the history of FFH's great hackers.  I only hope that can continue.

If you feel this goes against your submissive nature, Xif, do realize that writing this note goes against mine.  Those of you who know me as an IRC mod or FFTR kingdom leader know that I almost always opposed bans or any other kinds of harsh punishments, even to trolls, ingrates, and liars.  I do not like starting strife, inviting disfavor from others, or publicly picking the faults of my friends.  Yes, my analytical abilities leads me to pass hasty and often harsh judgments of the people around me, but I usually do this privately or keep my thoughts to myself.  It is only right to keep the peace.  And yet, here, I don't feel like I can in good conscience do so.  Sorry, Xif, for crashing your party with my 1000th post.

FDC

@ Durbs
I'd say explore yourself to the fullest, experiment, live, try, anything. Just be aware that there are some things you can't force, and your view on some things may change over time... but it's also part of the fun!

@ Elric42, Joseph Strife & Taichii
It's hard for me to find motivation to event; it always has. There's a good reason why I only managed to create 2 events in FFH's history. I don't know how, but somehow I want to complete this project... but until I am able to work on it again, I want to avoid resuming the project to not make everyone's efforts go to waste.

@ Taichii, sorry but art is what I like doing the most and I'm rather a perfectionist too, it can be annoying... I'll still teach you how to do it, but as I know it myself I like putting that knowledge into practice too.

@ formerdeathcorps
I'm not sure if the deference was necessary, but simply coming out to FFH was a truly frightening experience. I felt it was still quite a macho community under Voldemort's influence, who I denied affecting me at the time, but today I am aware, and admit that I was dragged into his pattern and caused unacceptable loathing and trolling on FFH. I know I can't put those facts behind me, and I am trying to be the nicest person I can be today as I truly loathe and disrespect that behaviour I once have shown.

I am more aware than anyone how much hormones affected me. In absolutism, if I didn't care for my gender, being male would be by far easier for me, as before transition I was still able to have a life. I could work and gain money, and hack FFT more often with more ease. I was already depressed all the time and just tried to dose it appropriately between my impulses and all. But I am a woman, and while I have far more problems than I have ever faced in my life, what I wish above all is to  solve my issues, live happily by making the ones around me happy. Ideally, this will include FFH too, like I said, I still care a lot for KoI and I won't be able to be in peace with FFT modding until I complete it. It is, I admit, my final goal. The reason for that is that later I might not be able to dedicate to FFH at all, so if I at least manage to finish KoI before that happens, I'll be very happy.

I do find it more problematic to perform "logical" tasks than before, and not just because of estrogen (which really affected my logic capacity). I am much better at art today than I ever was, something I have always sought. I have also received so much feedback and comments; about 2 years worth of hacking on FFH for one month of spriting/graphic editing... I feel my work is far more appreciated that way and it's a major reason why I find it so hard to go back ASM hacking. Not to mention I'm motivated for art, whilst hacking makes me depressed, as it always did; unless I succeeded, which really didn't happen all that often. Plus now that I know most of my hacks are broken, I'll have a lot of learning to do to make properly functioning hacks. Coding however, has always depressed me no matter what, probably because it was too extensive.

I don't know why you make such a big deal of me not ASM hacking anymore; it was never my main field. I always prioritized research over hacking, so that people would have meat to work with. As a leader, I feel I am unfit. I did have leadership before, but in all honesty it seems all gone and that relates a lot to my insecurity from being afraid to make any decision.

I can't keep FFH as my priority anymore. I need a job and to do something with my life, and sadly FFH contributes to absolutely nothing toward that. I'm still keeping it as a hobby, and I really like the community, so I'm not going anywhere. But right now, what I want above all is to get rid of my major anxiety issues which (literally) ruin my life.

Welcome to FFH, where all your dreams come true!

I don't remember Zodiac near at all, just a name mentioned in the video for CoK IIRC, which I prolly don't.  I'm glad yer here in whatever capacity.  I hate the space bot in chat, and haven't used order much, but I love the punish one. 

You were renamed in my DnD campaign as a tavern wench/maid/submissive since the name Xifanie didn't fit the race, but you are remembered by my playgroup, some wistfully, some weirdly, so good job! 

Regardless, glad to be here, glad to know ya, glad to make et uncomfortable in chat talking about stuff, and always willing to punish as needed! 

Quote from: Xifanie on March 29, 2012, 01:05:10 am
@ Elric42, Joseph Strife & Taichii
It's hard for me to find motivation to event; it always has. There's a good reason why I only managed to create 2 events in FFH's history. I don't know how, but somehow I want to complete this project... but until I am able to work on it again, I want to avoid resuming the project to not make everyone's efforts go to waste.

It's ok, but be sure that when you have the motivation to resume it, we will be here to help whatever way we can.

Soon, my work on FFT: Plus will be over and I'll gladily offer my help as well, princess

I'd love to help too, it was a good idea.

Quote from: Xifanie on March 29, 2012, 01:05:10 am
@ Elric42, Joseph Strife & Taichii
It's hard for me to find motivation to event; it always has. There's a good reason why I only managed to create 2 events in FFH's history. I don't know how, but somehow I want to complete this project... but until I am able to work on it again, I want to avoid resuming the project to not make everyone's efforts go to waste.

@ Taichii, sorry but art is what I like doing the most and I'm rather a perfectionist too, it can be annoying... I'll still teach you how to do it, but as I know it myself I like putting that knowledge into practice too.

i would be willing to learn with you xiffie
just call us if you need help