FFT: Epiloge

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

Now the true story can be told.

spoiler

It's raining in Dorter.


**Settings**
The Pub in Dorter

The Pub's upstairs inn.  A hallway with a bunch of rooms leading off to each side.  Some rooms are for the pub's "seamstresses", usually nothing more than a bed in a closet, and there are some nicer rooms for the pub's owner, family, and employees.

The street outside The Pub.  A street lit by gas streetlamps and the light thrown from windows.  There's the occasional candle in an nook next to a door, a sign that a resident is expected home sometime that night.

The Pub's Men's Restroom.  Graffiti (crudely drawn and often anatomically incorrect improvisations on human anatomy), and a general maisma of recycled beer, vomit, and oral sex.

The Pub's Ladies Restroom.  Overall cleaner than the men's restroom, but it has a lingering smell of...


**Cast**
Ramza
Boko
Mustadio
Agrias
Rafa
Malak
Orlandu
Meliadoul
Beowulf
Reis (Human)
Worker 8
Cloud
Byblos
Alma
Bartender
Cleaning Lad
Assorted Bar Patrons

**Time**
Just after they defeat Altima.


**Unorganized bits of scenes, in no particlar order**

1A.  Mustadio and Agrias, sitting across from each other at a small round table.
  - Mustadio, drunk, expresses his love for Agrias
  M: I reallly (pause) love yew.  Yer, yer pretty (an expression of surprise passes over his face, then he hurriedly says) and you can shoot swords at people.  It's like, "pew, pew, pew," an they're running away! (groans)
  A: ...
  M: (realizes Agrias is asleep)  Yer pretty... (falls asleep with head on table)
  A: (leans over Mustadio, we are surprised, we think she's going to kiss his sleeping head, and she vomits in his hair) BLA-LUH! (and passes out with her face resting in the crook of his neck, her vomit running over both their heads)


1B.  Mustadio and Agrias, sitting across from each other at a small round table.
  - Mustadio, drunk, expresses his love for Agrias
  M: I reallly (pause) love yew.  Yer, yer pretty (an expression of surprise passes over his face, then he hurriedly says) and you can shoot swords at people.  It's like, "pew, pew, pew," an they're running away! (groans)
  A: ...
  M: (passing out)  Yer pretty... (falls asleep with head on table)
  A: BBBBBBBEEEEEEELLLLLLLCCCCCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!
  Assorted Bar Patrons: (pause for a moment in appreciative silence)
  A: (nods off, showing she was alsleep the entire time)


2.  Ramza and Orlandu, sitting on stools at the bar.
  - Ramza and Orlandu, drinking and thinking gloomy thoughts.
  R: (sigh)
  O: (belch)  Heh.  (turns around on stool, looks at the bar, then looks at Ramza)
  O: (looks back at the bar, then does a double take back at Ramza)
  O: (gives Ramza the stink-eye)
  O: Ramza.
  R: Yeah?
  O: Why the fuck are you drinking milk?


3.  Ramza and Meliadoul, sitting on stools at the bar.
  - Meliadoul is trying to get Ramza in the sack, and Ramza is moaning about Teta.  And his father.  And some other stuff.


4.  Alma, Beowulf, Reis, and Meliadoul.  They're sitting at a 6 person table, rectagular (looks kinda like a picnic table).  From left to right, Alma and Melidoul on the side next to the wall and the restrooms, Beowulf and Reis on the other side with their backs to the rest of the pub.
  - Alma, drunk, flirts with Beowulf, equally shitfaced.  
  B: (laughs at some joke Alma makes.  Winks at her)
  A: (slides out of her seat, almost falls on her butt when she runs out of bench)
  B,A: (laugh)
  B: (puts out hand to pull Alma up)
  A: (grabs Beowulf's hand, and pulls herself up so hard she lands in Beowulfs lap)
  B,A: (laugh and look each other in the eyes)
  A: (sits down hard in Beowulfs lap, sideways - sidesaddle, you might say - with a hint of a grind)
  A: (looks hard in Beowulf's eyes, her smile fading as she gets ready for some serious making out)
  B: (smile fades, in it's place the look of a man in a public place - with a woman on his lap - who wants to be somewhere less so)
  R: (runs into the ladies restroom, crying and trying to hide her face)
  B,A: (begin making out, with all the accessories - rubbing, tweaking, bumping, grinding, squirming - all while sitting in that same position)
  M: (equally stunned and furious, she leaps back from the table, almost trips over the bench, and runs after Reis.  she almost hits the wall to the left of the ladies restroom)


5.  Reis and Meliadoul, in the ladies restroom.
  - Meliadoul comforts Reis and listens to her.  The requisite lesbian hentai scene.
  R: (her eyes are enormous and glowing with tears, her face is like a mask, expressing fear and pain.  she looks like a woman caught in the grips of a disease which makes you more beautiful and expressive as it kills you)
  M: (looks at Reis with a look of growing realization on her face)
  R: (Reis talks about how she keeps forgetting how to be human.  she will be walking along, and the next thing she knows she realizes that hours have passed and she has been standing in one spot staring at nothing.  she is afraid to tell Beowulf this.  Beowulf is becoming distant, withdrawn.  maybe he forgot his love for her in pursuing her.  she is, in short, afraid she is losing both her mind and her love)
  M: (listens to Reis, hugs her, comforts her.  ahere is pity on her face, along with another emotion)
  R: (laying on her side, with her upper body resting on Meliadoul's torso.  her hair is lying under Meliadoul's left arm)
  M: (reaches across Reis with her right arm and strokes Reis' hair and back)
  R: (quickly turns and hugs Meliadoul, with her head against Meliadoul's left shoulder/neck)
  M: (Meliadoul, no longer drunk, realizes she loves Reis.  She looks at Reis, unsure if Reis will accept this emotion)
  R: (continue's hugging Meliadoul, her crying abating, her breathing slowing, no longer shaking so hard.  her eyes are closed.  she is safe)
  M: (realizes that whether or not Reis will accept her love, she must protect her. I leave them with Meliadoul stroking the back of Reis' head, making comforting noises.  there is love on her face, and uncertainty)


6.  Reis standing up between two tables, Meliadoul, Agrias, Rafa, and Alma holding a bottle of some powerful spirit over her head and a funnel in her mouth.  Malak and Beowulf are sitting backwards on the top a 6-seater table directly in front of Reis.  Everyone else is ranged to either side of Reis and the other Ladies.  Mustadio is next to Agrias.
  - Reis is getting drunk.
  The Party:  REIS!  REIS!  REIS!  REIS!  REIS!  
  Boko:  WARK!  (lays and egg and flutters in surprise)
  The Party:  REIS!  REIS!  
  Reis: (Finishes the bottle, then throws her arms in the air and cheers)
  Rafa:  (Holds the bottle in the air upside down)  WHOO!  You did it Reis!
  Alma: (already drunk)  Hell yeah!
  Boko:  Wark?  (examines egg)
  Reis:  (burp)  Oh, I'm sorry.
  Reis: (an ominous rumbling noise winds up Reis' esophogus and out her mouth)
  Beowulf:  Gods, are you alrig-
  Reis: (flames streak from her mouth, lighting Beowulf and Malak on fire)
  Malak:  AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!  (Runs out the door and throws himself in a pile of chocobo dung)
  Beowulf:  AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!  (Runs around in circles)
  Reis:  Oh my god, oh my god! (Holds hands aloft and breathes ice on Beowulf)
  Beowulf: (now without ANY visible hair, his entire body and scorched clothes covered in frost)


7.  Orlandu drinking alone at the bar, the Bartender cleaning a mug, and a 10 year old boy mopping the place up.
  - It's almost sunrise in Dorter.
  Orlandu: (takes a drink of his beer, in a mug)
  Bartender: (polishes another mug.  looks only at the mug)
  Boy: (swabs floor)
  Orlandu: ... (drinks)
  Bartender: ... (polishes)
  Boy: ... (swabs)
  All Together: (pause) ...
  All Together: (continue drinking, polishing, or swabbing)
  Bartender: (looks out over the pub while polishing)
  Boy: (pauses to wring out the mop in a bucket)
  Orlandu: ...
  Orlandu: Kids.
  Orlandu: (shakes head)
  Bartender: (puts mug down, picks up another mug and begins polishing, with a hint of a nod)
  Boy:  (smirks a bit, then straightens out his face and continues mopping)


8.  A Room above the bar.  Not too small, it has a rocking chair and a dresser with a mirror, though the room seems centered around the bed.
  - The morning after.
  Ramza: nughn.  (Ramza is facing out.  He's on the left side of the bed.)
  Ramza: (turns over on side, pulls a bit of blanket over his eyes)
  ?????: (reaches out and grabs the bit of stolen blanket back, and rolls over on side, facing away from Ramza.  Placement of lumps suggest this person is female)
  Ramza: (opens eyes, confusion)
  ?????: (scoots butt over to middle of bed, turns over, and puts arm over Ramza's chest, exposing her face)
  Alma: mneh.  (nuzzles Ramza's neck)
  Ramza: (open mouthed)
  Ramza:  -ma.
  Alma:  mmmmhhh?
  Ramza:  Alma.
  Alma:  hhhmmmm? (scoots body closer, smiling.  eyes are still closed)
  Ramza:  It's me, Alma.
  Alma:  (opens eyes)
  Ramza: (looks at Alma, horrified, but with a growing erection)
  Alma: (looks at Ramza)
  Alma: (looks along bed, again at Ramza)
  Together: What- ?
  Together: (each one sits up at opposite sides of the bed and, with a sheet or blanket covering them, begins dressing.  they do not look at each other again the entire time they are dressing)
  Ramza:  (opens the door to the upstairs hallway.  Ramza turns to go and Alma reaches out and touches his shoulder)
  Alma:  Ramza...
  Ramza:  (turns around, takes her hands in his, and says) We must never speak of this ever again.
  Alma:  (looks up at Ramza)
  Ramza:  (snaps his head around to look in the hallway)
  Rafa:  (stands with her hands over her mouth, looking at Ramza and Alma standing hand-in-hand)
  Rafa:  (takes her hands away from her mouth)  I'm gonna go, um, breakfast.  I'm going.  (puts her hands in the air)  Breakfast.
  Alma, Ramza:  (goggle at Rafa)
  Rafa:  (puts her hands out in front of her, palms up)  I'm going.  Leave you guys.  (shakes her head)  Alone.
  Rafa:  (runs down hallway, sparing a look over her shoulder to see if Ramza is chasing her)
  Ramza:  Fuck.


9.  The Pub
  - Meanwhile, downstairs the Party is breakfasting.
  Agrias:  (enters the bar, sits down next to Mustadio, and pulls a bowl of stew from the center of the table)
  Meliadoul, Reis:  (enter the bar and sit down across from Agrias)
  Meliadoul:  mmmmmAahhhhh.  (stretches.  catches Reis' eye)
  Reis:  (giggles)
  Agrias:  (looks up from her stew)  Have you seen my underwear around?
  Mustadio:  (chokes on stew)
  Reis:  No, we didn't any underwear.
  Meliadoul:  (raises an eyebrow)
  Reis:  (giggles)  We haven't seen YOUR underwear.  (a pair of guardsmen, Biggs and Wedge, burst into the bar, accompanied by Aeris, wearing a blanket and nothing else)
  Biggs:  Here, here!  One of you did it!  I know your kind, louts, vagrants, stealing the clothes off a poor helpless flower girl!
  Wedge:  That's right boss!  You tell 'em!
  Biggs:  Why I'm of half a mind to arrest you lollygagging scoundrels...
  Wedge:  'Fess up now and we'll take it easy on you!
  Biggs:  (turns on Wedge) Would you shut up!
  Wedge:  (to the party) You heard the man, quiet down, the lot of you!
  Biggs:  (strangles Wedge)
  A Flower Girl:  (enters the bar and sits down next to Orlandu)
  Orlandu:  (turns to the Flower Girl)  And you would be?
  Flower Girl:  (turns to Orlandu)  Cloud.  Miss Cloud.
  Orlandu:  (makes a face)
  Flower Girl, aka Cloud in drag:  (tilts head) Are you gonna buy a girl a drink or what?
  Rafa:  (enters the bar from upstairs and sits next to Agrias)
  Reis:  Hi Rafa!
  Rafa:  (looks at Reis)
  Reis:  (sees the look of horror on Rafa's face)  Are you okay?
  Rafa:  (shakes her head)
  Reis:  (reaches across the table and takes Rafa's hands in her own)  What's wrong?
  Rafa:  Ramza.
  Melidoul:  (eyes narrow, hand clutches pommel of sword)  Did he hurt you?
  Rafa:  No.
  Meliadoul:  Then what's wrong with you?
  Rafa:  Ramza.  Alma.  (shakes head)
  Meliadoul:  (nearly screams)  Did Ramza hurt Alma?
  Rafa:  Yes.  No.  (pauses)  It seems like she enjoyed it.
  Meliadoul:  What are you talking about?
  Ramza, Alma:  (come downstairs and sit next to each other)
  Meliadoul:  (glares at Ramza)  What did you do to Alma?
  Worker 8, Byblos: (enter the Bar, holding hands)
  Ramza:  (stares at the wall in front of him and ladles stew into a bowl)
  Meliadoul:  (gets in Ramza's face and whispers)  What did you do to Alma?
  Ramza:  (stares at Meliadoul, then ladles more stew in his bowl)
  Meliadoul:  (opens mouth to scream)
  Alma:  It's okay Melia, he didn't hurt me.
  Meliadoul:  (stares at Alma)  What?
  Alma:  It didn't hurt.  (chews on lower lip)  It kinda felt... (smiles at Ramza) good.
  Ramza:  (facepalm)
  Meliadoul:  (opens mouth.  closes mouth)
  Alma:  (grabs Ramza's arm) Oh come on!  I wasn't that bad, was I?
  Ramza:  (grabs Alma by her elbows)  This.  Is Not.  Normal.
  Alma:  Who cares about normal?
  Ramza:  Ye gods.
  Alma:  (touches Ramza's chest)  If it feels good, (runs hands up to his neck) and it doesn't hurt anyone, (runs hands up the sides of Ramza's face) why not do it?
  Ramza:  (looks up at ceiling and shakes his head)  Gods damn it.
  Alma:  (starts kissing Ramza's neck)
  Ramza:  (sighs)  Why not?  (inhales)  GERONIMO!  (falls on top of Alma and rolls them underneath the table)
 


10.  A cobbled road.
  - Ramza and Alma ride off into the sunset after defeating Altima.
  Chocob:  Wark!
  Ramza:  (broods)
  Alma:  What's wrong baby?
  Ramza:  I was thinking... Do you think father would approve of... Us?
  Alma:  Sure he would!  Why wouldn't he?
  Ramza:  Uh, because it's unnatural?
  Alma:  Ramza!  Where do you think I learned that thing I do?
  Ramza:  The one with the Lightning Rod and the Chantage?  Or that thing you do with your tongue?
  Alma:  Both.
  Ramza:  Simon?
  Alma:  Ha ha, try again.
  Ramza:  (thinks a moment)  Ovelia?
  Alma:  Oh, you wish.  Though... nevermind.  Last try, now THINK about it?
  Ramza:  Father?
  Alma:  That's right!
  Ramza:  You and Father... (makes a face)
  Alma:  (nods head)  Me and Father.
  Ramza:  Whoa.
  Alma:  That is not fair!
  Ramza:  I didn't mean it like that!
  Alma:  Then what did you mean?  (contemptous) Whoa!
  Ramza:  I don't know.  It just... It explains a lot.
  Alma:  You are so not getting any tonight.  (spurs Chocobo and takes off)
  Ramza:  Wait!  (spurs Boko)
  Boko:  W-Wark!
  Ramza:  (lets off on Boko and sighs)  Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Boko.
  Boko:  WARK!
  Ramza:  Keep complaining and I won't use lube.
  Boko:  w-(gulp!)-wwwark.


11.  A copse of poplar trees.
  - Ramza and Alma look up at the stars, post-coitus.
  Alma:  (sighs)
  Ramza:  (sighs)
  Alma:  (rubs stomach and looks over at Ramza)  That was sweet of you.
  Ramza:  Thanks.
  Alma:  (leans over and kisses Ramza)  You're welcome.
  Ramza:  (broods)
  Alma:  (pouts) Not again.
  Ramza:  What?
  Alma:  You're brooding.
  Ramza:  What of it?
  Alma:  (sighs and rolls eyes)  What are you thinking about Ramza?
  Ramza:  I was just thinking...
  Alma:  Yes.
  Ramza:  I was thinking... did you, you know, with anyone else?  Besides Father and I, I mean.
  Alma:  (looks away from Ramza)  Maybe.
  Ramza:  Maybe?
  Alma:  Well...
  Ramza:  (stares at Alma)
  Alma:  Stop looking at me like that!
  Ramza:  Sorry.
  Alma:  (looks down)  Sorry.  For snapping like that.
  Ramza:  (drapes arm around Alma, making Ramza the big spoon)  Forgiven.
  Alma:  Thanks.  Where was I?
  Ramza:  You were about to tell me who else you slept with.
  Alma:  Oh, right.  Well, (counts off on fingers) Father was my first, then there was Dycedarg, WOW was he big, Zalbag, Larg, Delita, Teta - she and Delita were virgins before they met me, ha ha.
  Ramza:  (stunned)
  Alma:  (continues, unaware of Ramza) Ovelia, the Queen.  (turns to Ramza and slaps her head) Oh, I forgot, this one time when you were off at the Academy, this pack of Monsters attacked the Castle, and there were these Goblins, man they have sharp teeth, and a Marboro, and a Cuar, a Skeleton, a Dragon, a Behemoth, a Treant - they're actually female, you know, but they have those branches, so... let's see, what else, a Minotaur, a Uribo, a Vampire - I had bruises for weeks - and this one time, when Vormav took me to the underworld, a Tiamat.
  Ramza:  Wow.  That's uh, that's quite a collection you got there.
  Alma:  (puzzled)  I'm not done.  There was Algus, Gafgarion, Rad, Lavian, Alicia, Vormav, Elmdor, Celia, Lede, an Ultima Demon, Dragon Reis, Human Reis, Meliadoul, Orlandu, Balk, Mustadio... I tried to get Agrias, but she's so thick, you know.
  Ramza:  (nods head)
  Alma:  (rubs the side of Ramza's face with her hand)  You're so sweet.  Queklain,...
  Ramza:  (startles, almost jumps to his feet)
  Alma:  Don't worry, I used protection.
  Ramza:  (cups genitals)
  Alma:  Very funny.  Velius, whatever Elmdor was, Barinten, Rafa, Malak, Hashmalum... I never got to do Altima.
  Ramza:  How exactly did you, uh, you know, the Zodiac Monsters?
  Alma:  You know how I was kidnapped?  Well, that story I told you about the Virgo stone was a little (bites lips) made up.  I mean, VIRGO, yeah right.  So Vormav took me to the underworld, and I, you know, did what I had to do.
  Ramza:  Right.
  Alma:  (nods head, doesn't notice Ramza's sarcasm)  Right.  Where was I?  Wiegraf, Beowulf, Izlude - took his cherry, too, Rofel, Kleitan, Cloud, Aeris, Cloud dressed as Aeris, Balmafula, Draclau, Zalmo, Worker 8, a pack of Apandas, Byblos, Orlandu, Boko,-
  Boko:  Wark!
  Alma:  Mother, and... (kisses Ramza) you!
  Ramza:  ...
  Alma:  Ramza, you aren't ashamed of me, are you?
  Ramza:  No.  Just surprised.
  Alma:  What's so surprising about it.
  Ramza:  Well you lived in a convent or a castle for most of your life.
  Alma:  (looks at Ramza)  Ramza!  Why do you think I wanted it so much?
  Ramza:  It explains one thing, at least.
  Alma:  (lays back down)
  Ramza:  Father said to me once, "Boy, if you want to have fun, talk to a girl who was raised by nuns."
  Alma:  Ha!  That's just like Father!
  Ramza:  (looks up at stars)
  Alma:  (looks up at stars)
  Ramza:  Alma.
  Alma:  (turns to Ramza and smiles) Yes?
  Ramza:  Goodnight.
  Alma:  Goodnight Ramza.


12.  Lesalia, the Royal Palace
  - Epiloge:  Olan tells a joke.
  Olan:  So this family - Husband, Wife, Son, Daughter, and Dog - enter a Talent Scout's office and sit down.  The Talent Scout says, "Well, what's your act?"  The family stands, rips off their clothes, and starts fucking.  The Husband screws his Wife in the ass.  The Daughter rides the Son, reverse cowgirl.  They switch up, and now it's the Husband screwing the Daughter while the Wife sucks off the Son.  The Dog licks the Husband's spooge out of the Wife's ass.  The Husband grabs the Dog and starts sucking it off.  They switch it up again, so now the Wife and Daughter are eating each others pussies while the Dog screws the Sister in the ass, the Son screws the Wife's ass, and the Husband screws the Dog in the ass.  I forgot the rest, but suffice it to say, they fucked in a variety of ways for a good long time.  When they finished, they stood up and the Talents Scout said, "Not bad.  I can market it, but what do you call it?"  The Husband looks around at the Family, who nod in return, and then he says, "The Aristocrats!"
  Delita:  ...
  Olan:  Eh, what do you think?
  Delita:  (looks at Ovelia, who looks away from him)
  Olan:  Sire?
  Delita:  (shakes head)  What did you get Ramza?

THE END

(cut to artwork of every character in FFT screwing every other character)

[Dome]

Lolpenis

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

Lolincest is more like it.  Or maybe lolalmaisaslutandramzaLOVESit.

Oh and by the way, this isn't pron.  There are no acutal sex acts depicted in the story.  This is just what probably happened after the party defeated Altima.

[Archael]

dome didn't actually read it

[VampragonLord]

you spelled Boco wrong.

[Dome]

dome didn't actually read it

Wrong

[fftrdx]

Interesting.

[Paheej]

Where the hell do you find these things?

[woodenbandman]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA that is the wrongest thing ever.

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

Where the hell do you find these things?

I wrote it.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA that is the wrongest thing ever.

Thank you.

[Samuraiblackbelt]

you are messed up PGF

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

Sex is hilarious.  All the fucked up things people do with each other just to get a little friction, and then all the baggage and bullshit they put themselves through thinking about.  It's all so god damn ridiculous.

[SilvasRuin]

So, what, is this all some sort of expression of pent-up sexual angst and frustration then?

[Samuraiblackbelt]

do you have a sister PGF?

[Paheej]

Ah, personal attacks on the writer; didn't see that coming.

[SilvasRuin]

Nah, it wasn't the writing that triggered it.  It was the reply right above my post.  I mean, it's just asking for it.

Really, it's not necessarily an attack.  It's more of an observation, and in fact it's possible to have pent up sexual angst and frustration for a good reason.  It does sound to me like he's had to deal with some morons and drama-whores.

[Samuraiblackbelt]

and this is spam after all

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

So, what, is this all some sort of expression of pent-up sexual angst and frustration then?

Probably.  I don't really know or care what it is.  I just want to know what was funny, what wasn't funny, what needs to be elaborated on, how I could expand these bits of scenes together into a story.

What works and what doesn't work.

do you have a sister PGF?

Yes I do.    
Though the idea of incesting her is, frankly, disgusting.

[SilvasRuin]

Eh, I don't much care for any of it, but that's due to my own experiences.  Sexual promiscuity strikes a nerve with me.  I'd be fine with shenanigans involving established couples, but sluts, cheaters, and incest are things that I find a hard time finding funny.

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

That's the point.  The inappropriateness of it, the sheer  horror of it, makes it funnier.  For me, at least.