Revenant Chronicles

[DarthPaul]

I am posting the forward here to get feedback and advertise.  This will henceforth be posted only in the Clave in increments.  If you are at all interested in what this is about click the link.

http://www.museofoblivion.com/clave/vie ... ?f=32&t=32




Forward.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to cast magic? The simple ability to scorch a landscape
or zap an insect. Freezing all those who opposed you, and then quaking the land until they shattered. How
about a simpler approach to your abilities? Would you stop time? Distort space? If I had my choice I
would take the simple telekentic powers of the prophets. Then again they never seem happy with their lives,
so I shall assume it's torturous. Maybe the powers of the necroshades, who have power to make the dead their
minions. Then again I hate being around decay so this could be a problem.

Social experiment. What would people do if granted super human powers? Would they
change as a person? Would they be predesposed to moral "good" or "evil"? How would they cope? Would
they keep it a secret? These are just some of the tirade of questions that flood the brain. The simple
"what ifs" are enough to inundate you with a plethora of thinking potential, and make you wonder of the outcomes.

When thinking about this you may tend to be sure that you've figured out the equation. The quotient though
not always what it appears, and the problem may have variables you don't want to see. Judgment is often clouded by preconception, and bias.
The problem with making the decision before the fact is that circumstances change all the time. Vengeance could also make your judgment
shaky, or your morals may not allow you to do your best. I like to assume that I would be able to think quikly when it happened.
This may just be procrastination though. Not wanting to make a decision till the last minute.

Have you ever noticed that these powers, to those who have them, are just like snapping to you and me?
What do we use our latent abilities for? The answer is rather simple really, bettering our lives and showing off.
So I think someone with super strengh would work in heavy lifting. A pyrokinetik would be a blacksmith, a time bender would be a thief.
So on and so forth normal people would just make their own life easier.

I am a pesimist, and this may just be me not trusting human emotion. The individuals in this tale intrigue me.
What are their motives, and why do they continue. It is obvious they are not moral heroes of never ending justice.
Would a look into their heads find useful info or something about them that would better be left a secret. I am a little
over zealous for the answer. I can also assume my thirst for knowledge will lead to a snag. Though if anything I will die the way I want.
If everything goes as planned, I will gain the knowledge I desire and see my friends honored as heroes.

[Asmo X]

There isn't enough info to make any judgment about the idea. I will say that your writing is pretty bad and that would probably hurt my interest.

[DarthPaul]

All of the info is through the link.  This forward is more of a questionary vent. Also to be of any worth can you tell me why it is pretty bad?  If not I'll just ignore that post for future reference. I'm looking for helpful feedback. "It sucks" or "pretty bad" is not helpful and hinders me as I try to find out what you mean by it.



(I know questionary is not a word I just made it up.)

[Archael]

you should read more DP

when you read from talented writers, your writing automatically improves

Social experiment. What would people do if granted super human powers? Would they
change as a person? Would they be predesposed to moral "good" or "evil"? How would they cope? Would
they keep it a secret? These are just some of the tirade of questions that flood the brain. The simple
"what ifs" are enough to inundate you with a plethora of thinking potential, and make you wonder of the outcomes.

sometimes, less is better

here you are writing so much and saying so little

conciseness and precision are your friends

I am a pesimist, and this may just be me not trusting human emotion. The individuals in this tale intrigue me.
What are their motives, and why do they continue. It is obvious they are not moral heroes of never ending justice.
Would a look into their heads find useful info or something about them that would better be left a secret. I am a little
over zealous for the answer. I can also assume my thirst for knowledge will lead to a snag. Though if anything I will die the way I want.
If everything goes as planned, I will gain the knowledge I desire and see my friends honored as heroes.

this reads more like some online blog from some goth kid than a storyline br0

needs work

[Asmo X]

The piece is full of dull, fortune cookie observations like "Judgment is often clouded by preconception, and bias." That comma doesn't have to be there either. In fact poor punctuation is a theme throughout.

You also make some embarrassing attempts to elevate the language with big words. "The simple "what ifs" are enough to inundate you with a plethora of thinking potential, and make you wonder of the outcomes". This barely says anything. It makes your brain fog over as though you're reading a corporate memo. Poor word choice; a horribly laborious sentence to read and the same sentiment could be expressed in a quarter of the space. What on earth is 'thinking potential'?

Overall you don't say anything interesting and you take too long to do it. Write more, read more.

Read Orwell's "Politics and the English Language." http://www.resort.com/~prime8/Orwell/patee.html
Read "The Elements of Style." http://www.crockford.com/wrrrld/style.html

Throw out everything you know about writing and start over.

[DarthPaul]

you should read more DP

Would if I could, but all of my free time not spent with friends or games is spent reading. Currently Readin From a Buick 8 by Stephen King. So far it is my second favorite, next only to Christine.

that paragraph comes across as extremely pretentious, not to mention you are writing so much and saying so little

This forward is coming from a characters point of view. It might be better to include his name in a signature at the bottom. I am trying to say very little with a lot of words, because that is how this character is. Though if you have any tips on bringing down the pretension(have not got a clue if I spelled that right) it would be gladly accepted.

this reads more like some online blog from some goth kid than a storyline br0

Was afraid of that. Probably going to redo that entire paragraph.

[DarthPaul]

That comma doesn't have to be there either. In fact poor punctuation is a theme throughout.

Indeed I need to work out the punctuation this was done in a hurry. Thought that still does not hide the fact that I am indeed bad in punctuation.

Overall you don't say anything interesting and you take too long to do it.

I would like to try to fix this as after all this is a narrative. Thanks for the feedback. Even if I am a bit dissatisfied by the answers, it truly helps.

You also make some embarrassing attempts to elevate the language with big words. "The simple "what ifs" are enough to inundate you with a plethora of thinking potential, and make you wonder of the outcomes". This barely says anything. It makes your brain fog over as though you're reading a corporate memo.

The big words are from a bit of a flawed attempt at fitting this character with the flair he is telling me he wants to exhibit. I will work it over though to sound more "exciting".

What on earth is 'thinking potential'?

Obviously it is the potential for thoughts to occur. Thoughts that either you have answers for or that confuse you. Should have worded that better though.

Throw out everything you know about writing and start over.

This is going overboard actually. English and writing classes are the only ones I excelled at. (next to programming and machinery, so let's say the only academic courses I excelled at.) This is an attempt to get back into writing for me. Throwing it all out would be a step back. Though I will check into those articles.

[Asmo X]

The problem with trying to make a character verbose is that it isn't just a matter of finding biggish words and plonking them down. 'Plethora' and 'Inundate' are horrible words to use in almost every conceivable scenario. And yet words like them, just as long and with the exact same meaning, could suit a lot better. This is the sort of thing you pick up on if you read with a view to being a good writer yourself. There are some words and phrases that are just bad. There are some sentences that should make you want to wretch before you can even tell why. That Orwell essay might clear a lot of it up. In the meantime I suggest you read lots of Hemingway and Chekhov. It will help your writing immeasurably.

[Archael]

start by simplifying the way you are presenting the idea

that alone will help tons

[DarthPaul]

I'll try that. The Orwell essay is actually more interesting than I thought it would be. As for Hemingway I am actually sitting next to some of his books so that's not a problem. As for Chekhov though I might have to go shopping. Anyway thanks for the advice, I am trying to get rid of a year of not having the pen to paper. The hardest part of that is time spent on the internet. If you let your guard down this place can really dull your perceptions of good and bad uses of words. Fucking 4chan.

[Archael]

The hardest part of that is time spent on the internet. If you let your guard down this place can really dull your perceptions of good and bad uses of words. Fucking 4chan.

this is very true

you gotta keep the way things are read here on this internet (for example the way I write, and the way others present their ideas loilolol) as a VERY separate concept of the way you're going to write seriously

I think your scale of writing categorization should go like this:

Good <----- Real writers like Stephen King etc ------- FFT Translation ---------The Internet-------The Bible -------> Bad

[DarthPaul]

You forgot to put Stephanie Meyer between the internet and the bible. Yea I did forget to categorize though so I have to rebuild my foundations. Biggest problem is getting back the ability to use punctuation properly. That one really got fucked up.

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

This is something someone told me once, when I asked how to write, speak, and think clearly.

These are hard questions to answer briefly. Be clear and concise. Use the simplest syntax available. Be alert to what your audience wants. If your reader is a philosophy professor, he is happy with dry and highly detailed analysis. If you are telling a story, your audience wants to laugh, so filter out the details that are irrelevant to humor. If you feel bored while writing something and wish you could skip to the good part, ask yourself, "Why not start with the good part and leave out the rest?" I tell myself, "If this would not make sense to someone with a gun to his head, it is still too abstract."

I used to think, "Shakespeare did not always speak simply, so why should I?" That was misguided. Shakespeare expressed incredibly complex ideas. Those ideas made sense to theater audiences due to Shakespeare's solid fundamentals. Packing loads of meaning into a few lines was part of his brilliance. You build a cathedral with rectangular bricks, not cathedral-shaped bricks.

Read every word and ask, "Is this word vital? Is there a shorter and more 'human' way of saying this?" Ask the same for every clause, sentence and paragraph. Put a thumb on the scale against every adjective and adverb. If you are using a prepositional phrase with more than two syllables, like "with regard to," ask yourself whether there is a briefer substitute, like "about" or "of." Avoid "probability" commentary like "obviously" and "it seems likely that." Your audience wants the facts, not your conclusions.

Always try to talk about concrete things. Think of it like this: Whenever you start talking abstractly, each listener holds his breath. He cannot exhale until you stop talking abstractly. That is what it is like trying to follow abstract language. This is part of why you need examples to support a thesis. They bring your ideas down to earth.

These are things you hear in English class, so I will go a little further. Write a passage in imitation of your favorite author. Try to capture his syntax, vocabulary, subject matter, common phrases, and so forth. Then write a second. Now go back to the first, and mark up everything that is wrong with it, based on what you did better in the second. Then write a third. Now go back to the second, and mark up what is wrong, based on what is better in the third. Do this over and over. Your writing will evolve toward that of your favorite author.

Why not write each passage and immediately criticize it? We feel attached to our most recent work - it represents who we are right now - so we ignore its faults. You must write something else in between. It will flatter you to point out what is wrong with your old work based on what you did right in the new work.

Find a classic author you enjoy and read more of him. Do not jump into an author you have never enjoyed and struggle till you do. Poetry happens to be my passion, and even so, I am picky about what poetry I read. You can develop new tastes, but it takes great effort, and will distract you from absorbing good technique from the author.

Hope that is helpful.


I read everything Stephen King has ever published.  Some other stuff you might enjoy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Elements_of_Style

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danse_Macabre_(book)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_Writing

Ray Bradbury
  >Something Wicked This Way Comes
  >A Single Piece Of Wood
  >He has a lot of stuff floating around out there

Neil Gaiman
  >The Sandman
  >American Gods
  >Most anything he writes is entertaining

Thomas Tessier
  >The Nightwalker
  >Very disturbing writer.

Richard Mathieson
  >I Am Legend
  >I think he's the greatest horror writer alive.

Terry Pratchett
  >Discworld Books
  >Good Omens
  >The early ones aren't as easy to get into.  "Guards, Guards!" or "Reaper Man" are good starting points.

Peter Straub
  >Shadowland
  >Mystery
  >The Talisman, with Stephen King.
  >Kinda hit and miss.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G._K._Chesterton


Talent can only be developed through introspection, and introspection requires solitude...  Read everything you can get your hands on, think about what you read, then write what you think.  Then put it away and don't look at it for a few months, and continue reading, thinking, and writing.  When you don't remember what you wrote on that paper you hid away, get it out, read it, and see if you matured.

[Kuraudo Sutoraifu]

I think your scale of writing categorization should go like this:

Good <----- Real writers like Stephen King etc ------- FFT Translation ---------The Internet-------The Bible -------> Bad

The internet is rather vague, since Stephen King, the FFT Translation, and the Bible can all be found on it.  And to be fair to the Bible, it wasn't written to entertain, but rather to recall events that have happened or letters to sons or to first century churches.  It'd be like criticizing a history book or a letter to your dear aunt Helga for it's lack of character development and it's matter of fact writing style.

But, I guess that actally assists your point, though.  If someone said my writing style was like that of the Bible, I could assume that meant I was merely relating facts and not actually being artistic.

[DarthPaul]

http://www.museofoblivion.com/clave/vie ... p=230#p230


Just posted the opening for the first chapter. Please follow the link and read/critique my work.

[Archael]

I think your scale of writing categorization should go like this:

Good <----- Real writers like Stephen King etc ------- FFT Translation ---------The Internet-------The Bible -------> Bad

The internet is rather vague, since Stephen King, the FFT Translation, and the Bible can all be found on it.

not vague at all bro

when I said internet (and DP understood me clearly, I don't know why you can't), I meant internet-speech

you know, stuff like this: hey so guyz today I went over there, did some stuff but guess what... ... yeah!!! So now we are left with the question do we really have a soul. Do we really. I mean.

that is what I meant by "internet" - when you are used to reading / writing like that all the time, and never do any real reading / writing, it's easy for your writing to deteriorate, like DP already pointed out

And to be fair to the Bible, it wasn't written to entertain, but rather to recall events that have happened or letters to sons or to first century churches.  It'd be like criticizing a history book or a letter to your dear aunt Helga for it's lack of character development and it's matter of fact writing style.

If you are comparing the bible to a history book, you have some serious misunderstandings about what constitutes history

I can write a book of fairy tales with some actual real-world information in it

but that doesn't make the rest of it true and it doesn't make it anything resembling the passing thought of a historical text

to be fair to the bible, it has been re-translated by thousands of people in thousands of different languages, so we'll assume the "original" writing in the bible was horrible, and now is *just* bad

[Bastard Poetry]

MAJOR KUDOS to you, death road awe and such, for listing Terry Pratchett! Good Omens was freaking brilliant!

[Kuraudo Sutoraifu]

If you are comparing the bible to a history book, you have some serious misunderstandings about what constitutes history.

I can write a book of fairy tales with some actual real-world information in it.

When I said the Bible (and DP understood me clearly, I don't know why you can't), I meant its style of writing.

You could write a book of fairy tales, but it would still be nothing stylistically comparable to the Bible.  Also, whether or not the Bible is historical or not is a non-point to this issue.  I was stating that the majority of the Bible was written in a style similar to a historical textbook.

[Archael]

When I said the Bible (and DP understood me clearly, I don't know why you can't), I meant its style of writing.

What? How do you know if DP understood you or not? lol he hasn't posted in reply to your post dude

*facepalm*

I said that DP understood me clearly because it was apparent in his reply, here:

You forgot to put Stephanie Meyer between the internet and the bible. Yea I did forget to categorize though so I have to rebuild my foundations. Biggest problem is getting back the ability to use punctuation properly. That one really got fucked up.

So where exactly is DP's reply in which he "understood you clearly"? Invisible post, or you making stuff up to somehow build up a response?

You could write a book of fairy tales, but it would still be nothing stylistically comparable to the Bible.

see this is where you're wrong, I will direct you to any of the well known, renowned sci fi authors and their universes, who not only do not need to rely on pseudo-historical facts to establish their works of fiction, but do better "styllistically". sci fi universes which, I repeat, did not need to be re-written, re-imagined, and edited by thousands of individuals throughout the years

Also, whether or not the Bible is historical or not is a non-point to this issue. I was stating that the majority of the Bible was written in a style similar to a historical textbook.

It's a rather important issue, because just because something is written as a historical textbook doesn't mean it's history (and alot of it is, in fact, not written AT ALL like a historical textbook, I have no idea where you got this from, but I will list examples to disprove it if you want, from any of the 2,000 editions of the bible), and you seem to be confusing the two

[Redux]

The bible is a religious text, just like the Quran, the hindu Vedas, and alll sorts of other religious books. They all feature multiple translations and altered meanings. It has the failings of being ancient, its age shows. Wether it is in anyway shape or form doesn't change its crude phrasings, and the oddly-created passages strewn throughout. I found that the books with the most symoblism and prophesy, Daniel, Parts of Kings 1+2, , Jude, and Revelation to be the biggest offenders.