- [August 19, 2010, 06:43:58 PM]
I think the writing for these needs some work
I know that they are just rough ideas for their job backrounds, but seriously, sometimes simpler is better... there is just so much smoke and mist description for everything Mercenaries related that I think you should simplify down a bit
Oh these won't be what you see when you hit select, I assure you. This is just flavor text.
It is an ancient practice of the people of Ivalice, it was sponsored by Hero King Mesa, it was a method of survival after the Cataclysm.
What was the ancient practice and survival method? Becoming a Dragoon? Dragooning? What?
Dragoon, yes. Since monsters roamed the land en masse after the cataclysm. It would be wise to have a warrior skilled in the mightiest of monsters (Dragons) art.
A Dragoon leader from the Holy Empire of Ydora, by the name of Velana was among the survivors.
The survivors of what, of the Cataclysm??? Now I'm dealing with two "ancient hero king figures" in just 2 sentences. Hero King Mesa, and the Holy Empire Ydora.
Yes, the Cataclysm. Velana is just the commander of the Dragoons under Hero King Mesa, She's no Hero-King. The Holy Empire Ydora was the reason St. Ajora was killed. Murond fell beneath the waves and we surmise that this was also the start of the Cataclysm due to how close the two events are on the timeline. Holy Empire of Ydora also apparently disappeared somewhere in the interim.
In her land of Ydora only women were allowed to be taught the arts of the Dragoon, as the Dragoon was Mesa's original military hand, he had little choice but to abide. Thus the camps set around Mesa's land were each protected by a unit of women. The women wore Dragon skulls, in place of steel helmets, to ward off other beasts and demons that would often try to assault the many camps of survivors, they saw almost total success in guarding the people. Women were the dominant Dragoon for many a year, with each of their leaders commanding them to follow the old ways, they stuck to their classic apparel and original techniques. With the loss of King Mesa's line they became a rather secluded group, similar to the Monks of Germinas, they no longer assisted the world, as it had little reason for their assistance any longer. They eventually faded from the sight of the world, whittling away their time in the sacred mountains of the Forbidden Land Zellea, their collective fate left unknown.
I still don't see a why men can't become Dragoons... is this just a lore cop-out for a female only job? Or maybe not... (cont)
Oh they can. It's not a female job, its explaining why the woman sprite of Dragoon looks so radically different from the males sprite. (Women wear... well Dragon skulls and the like, men look more traditional)
A decade before the Fifty Years War had broken out, scholar's were busy at work with developing new technologies and rediscovering lost ones from the Cataclysm. In an ancient scroll from Ordalia, there was depicted diagrams and techniques for men, and another unknown being, to be taught in the ways of the Dragoon. Realizing that the women Dragoon of a past age originally used these lessons as well Ivalice enacted an event called the "Dragon Knight's Revival". An event of unprecedented attendence. A small fee was neccessary to enter and the commoners took great advantage of this. The country was alight with activity, with instructors sent out to every province to train these potential soldiers, to be Dragon Knights in the inevitable war looming...
Ok, wait. There were diagrams depicted in a scroll from Ordalia. But wasn't the Dragoon tradition from the land of Ydora? Or is Ydora in Ordalia? What about Hero King Mesa's lands?? Or is that in Ordalia too? I'm very confused at this point.
Dragoons existed before the Cataclysm, all throughout Ivalice. It just so happened that Ydora's Dragoon Leader survived the Cataclysm and joined with Hero King Mesa. The documents the scholar's found predate the Cataclysm. Once again Dragoons existed all throughout Ivalice, Ordalia and further east of such, before the world was thrown into chaos (Cataclysm) . This is more of a nod to FFTA2, where Hume and Bangaa can both become Dragoons (A lot of FFTA2 takes place in Ordalia). It's only explaining how the technology of Dragoons fell back into the hands of men, so reliance wasn't only needed on the far off and secluded group of mountain dwelling female Dragoon. Also Hero King Mesa's Lands was likely only Ivalice proper. My own personal theory is that the Atkascha line is lightly related to him, but perhaps not, since one of the errands in the original FFT is about finding one of his descendants.
While women Dragoon are rarer then their male counterparts many do leave the Forbidden Land Zellea to become normal members of society, though they hold strongly onto their traditions, taught to them by their mothers in the Forbidden Land.
Ok and now ALL women Dragoon are from the Forbidden Land Zellea? ALL of them moved there? What about Ydora? Ordalia? There is alot of lore that is confusing and is not explained very well.
Ydora is buried benath the waves, Ordalia was where the scrolls from Before the Cataclysm were, but yes, I could be clearer on that.
Soul Sphere - PA * WP Drain MP, Weapon Strike, MP 45 - Draws out a massive amount of mist to assault their opponent's mist and draw it back into themselves.
Draws out a massive amount of mist to assault their opponent's mist and draw it back into themselves???
It's using Throw Spirit animation, unfortunately that doesn't quite have the "Drawing back" effect into it. That's the reason for the description.
Dragon Breath - (MA * 10 ) Range 2, Area 1, Vertical 2, 30 MP - From deep within manages to breath fire, using a unique form of mist conceptualizing.
This is OK, but I don't think "conceptualizing" is the word you're looking for here
Yeah... I think you're right on that one. Also that move is likely gone. Well, will need a new description, nonetheless.
Wisdom's Downfall - TarCurMP Dmg, Weapon Range, 18 MP - Manifests the mist within their opponent as several entities of pain, thus the spear does not strike them, but only ensorcels the mist within their foe.
Let me explain, the mist from within is turned into an immediate shooting pain, this is to keep it inline with its actual effect. It likely will not have a spear strike in the final version, mainly because that makes no sense.
(Secret Skill) Dragon Lord - Hit (F_MA+200%) - Float, Reraise, Berserk, Innocent, Reflect, Protect, Shell, Innocent - Calls out to the ancestral spirit and loses themselves in a madness, while they are protected fully from the affects of magic.
effects of magic
^ that is great, a sprite like that would be great
Overall I'm still very confused as to what this job is, after reading all that text. Interestingly enough, a simple description like "Warrior who mimics the movements of dragons and wields a spear" would clear the entire thing up. I'm not saying it has to be THAT simplistic, but try to find a middle ground from that and from the World of Warcraft-like (retcon) explanation you have now.[/quote][/quote]
Well I hope I made it a bit clearer for you.
"Moment's anger can revert to joy,
sadness can be turned to delight.
A nation destroyed cannot be restored,
the dead brought back to life."
Art of War
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