FFT: PARADOY!!!

[murak]

FFT Defence against fruit

Knight: So, Evening course!

Cadets: Evening sir.

Knight: Where's all the others then?

Cadets: Not here.

Knight: I can see that! What's the matter with them?

Cadets: Don't know.

Ramza: Perhaps they have the flu.

Knight: Flu!? FLU!? They've been eating too much fresh fruit!

Knight <new window> Right! Now! Self Defence! Tonight as we carry on from where we got onto last week, I was showing you how to defend yourself from someone armed, with a piece of fresh fruit!

Delita: You promised you wouldn't do fruit this week!

Ramza: we did fresh fruit for the last 9 weeks!

Knight: What's wrong with fruit!? You think you know it all, eh!?

Delita: Can't we do something else for a change?

Ramza: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Knight: POINTED STICKS!? OH Oh! We wanna learn how to defend ourselves from pointed sticks do we!? Getting all high and mighty, eh!? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh!? Oh oh oh, WELL, I'll tell you something my lad, WHEN YOU'RE ALL WALKING HOME AT NIGHT AND SOME HOMICIDIAL MANIAC COMES AFTER YOU WITH A MUCH OF LOGANBERRIES DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!!

Knight: <new window> Right! The passion fruit! When your assialant lunges at you with a passion fruit thusly-

Cadets: WE'VE DONE PASSION FRUITS.

Knight: What!?

Delita: we've done the passion fruits!

Ramza: we've done oranges, apples, grapefruits-

Delita: whole and segmented.

Ramza: pomegranets, greengages, grapes, passion fruits, lemons, plums...

Delita: and mangos in syrup!

Knight: how about cherries!?

Cadets: we've done them.

Knight: red and black!?

Cadets: YES.

Knight: Alright then... BANANAS!

Cadets: <groan>

Knight: we haven't done them have we! RIGHT! bananas! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana!

Knight: <new window, throws a banana to a cadet> here! you! Take this! Now! it's quite simple to arm yourself from the banana fiend! First of all, you force him to drop the banana! next, you eat the banana! Thus disarming him! You have now rendered him 'elpless!

Delita: suppose he had a bunch?

Knight: ....SHUDDUP!

Ramza: suppose he had a pointed stick?

Knight: SHADDUP! right! Now, you! Mister Apricot!

Cadet: Harrison.

Knight: Harrison. come at me with that banana! Come on! attack me with it! As hard as you like, come on!

Harrison: <walks 2 spaces forward>

Knight: NO NO! NO! NO NO! Put something into it for God's sake! Hold it like that! (holds his arm in the air) SCREAM! Come on! attack me! COME ON!!

Harrison: <rushes over to the Knight fast paced walking, screaming>

Knight: <pulls out a gun and shoots Harrison> NOW!! <picks up the banana> I eat the banana!

Delita: YOU'VE SHOT HIM!!

Ramza; You shot him dead!!!

Knight: yes, well, I have now eaten the banana! The diseased is safe to say he's disarmed!

Delita: You shot him!

Ramza: You shot him dead!

Knight: well, he was attacking me with a banana!

Delita: You told him to!

Knight: look! I'm only doing my job! I'm here to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit!

Ramza; and pointed sticks.

Knight: shaddup!

Cadet: supposing someone come at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?

Knight: .........Run for it.

Delita: well you could stand and scream for help!

Knight: yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe!

Delita: PINEAPPLE!?

Knight: <facing different directions> WHERE!? Oh God where!?

Delita: nowhere, i was just saying 'pineapple'.

Knight: oh blimey, i thought my number was on that one...

Delita: on the pineapple?

Knight: Where!? WHERE!?

Delita: no, I was just saying it!

Knight: oh. OH! I see. Right! That's the banana then! Next, the raspberry! <hold up a raspberry> harmless looking thing, isn't it!? You! Mr tinned peach!

Cadet: Thompson!

Knight: Thompson then. Come at me with that raspberry! come on! be as vicious as you like!

Thompson: NO.

Knight: Why not?

Thompson: You'll shoot me.  

Knight: I won't!

Thompson: You shot Mr. Harrison!

Knight: That was self defence! Come on! I promise I won't shoot ya!

Ramza: promise you'll tell us about pointed sticks?

Knight: SHADDUP! Brandish that! Brandish that raspberry! COME ON!!! BE AS VICIOUS AS YOU LIKE!!!

Thompson: Throw the gun away!

Knight: I haven't got a gun!

Thompson: You have! You shot Mr. Harrison with it!

Knight: oh. THAT gun.

Thompson: throw it away!

Knight: alright. <throws gun away> How to defend yourself from a man armed with a raspberry, WITHOUT a gun!

Thompson: YOU WERE GOING TO SHOOT ME!!!

Knight: oh, I wasn't! come on you worm! you miserable little man! come at me then!

Thompson: <walks up to the knight>

Knight: <throws a shuriken at Thompson's eye, it goes through his head, Thompson drops dead) If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, simply throw the shuriken and it will go through their head! I learnt that in Igros!

Delita: Suppose you haven't got a shuriken?

Knight: well, that's planning, isn;t it?

Delita: How many shurikens are there?

Knight: Look smartie pants! the shuriken is just one way, JUST ONE WAY, of killing the raspberry killer! there are millions of others!

Delita: like what?

Knight: ...Shoot him!

Delita: supposing you haven't got a gun or a shuriken?

Knight: ALRIGHT! Clever Dick! You two (throws ramza and Delita a box of raspberries) come at me with raspberries then! there! a whole box each! come at me then!

Delita: no gun?

Knight: no!

Delita: ...no shuriken?

Knight: no!

Ramza; no pointed stick?

Knight: SHADDUP!

Delita: nothing that drops out of the ceiling?

Knight: no!

Delita: ......you won't kill us?

Knight: I won't kill you!

Delita: promise?

Knight: I promise I won't kill you! come on! attack me!

Delita & Ramza: ....alright....

Knight: right! don't rush me this time! I'm going to turn my back so you can stalk me! <turns around> come as quietly as you can right close up behind me, THEN, in with the raspberry! Start moving!

Delita & Ramza: <both start to move to the knight as he's talking>

Knight: now! the first thing to do when being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries, is to... release the behemoth.

Delita and ramza: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Knight: the great thing advantage of the behemoth is that it not only eats the raspberry laiden foe, but also the raspberry! The behemoth however does not eat peaches! The peach assailant should be attacked by a Tiamat!

Knight: <new window> Right now the rest of you, i know you're there, under the floor boards with your dames and your prunes, hiding behind the walls with your fruit, well, i'm ready for you! I eat over 200 tons of jelly a night! and if any of you even try anything, we'll all go out together! I WARNED YA!! (uses all ultima)

[akwikone]

very very pytonesk

[DarthPaul]

that made me lol the entire time but it seems a biit too long for that tiny cut scene

[murak]

Dead Chocobo FFT Sketch

<Ramza walks into a pet shop, dragging along a large cage with a chocobo in it, the chocobo is oddly still>

Ramza: 'ello miss, I'd like to register a complaint.

Shopkeep: what do you mean miss?

Ramza: <stares at the shopkeep> ...oh, i'm sorry, i have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Shopkeep: we're closing for lunch.

Ramza: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Shopkeep: Oh yes, the, uh, the Ivalican Yellow... What's, uh, what's wrong with it?

Ramza: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Shopkeep: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Ramza: Look, matey, I know a dead chocobo when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Shopkeep: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Ivalican Yellow, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Ramza: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Shopkeep: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Ramza: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Boco chocobo! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(Shopkeep hits the cage)

Shopkeep: There, he moved!

Ramza: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Shopkeep: I never!!

Ramza: Yes, you did!

Shopkeep: I never, never did anything...

Ramza: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO BOCO!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes chocobo out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Ramza: Now that's what I call a dead chocobo

Shopkeep: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Ramza: STUNNED?!?

Shopkeep: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Ivalican Yellows stun easily, major.

Ramza: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That chocobo is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged wark.

Shopkeep: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Mandalia Plains.

Ramza: PININ' for the MANDALIA PLAINS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Shopkeep: The Ivalican Yellow prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Ramza: Look, I took the liberty of examining that chocobo when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Shopkeep: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Ramza: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Shopkeep: No no! 'E's pining!

Ramza: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This chocobo is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-CHOCOBO!!

(pause)

Shopkeep: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of chocobos.

Ramza: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Shopkeep: I got a malboro.

(pause)

Ramza: Pray, does it talk?

Shopkeep: Not really.

Ramza: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Shopkeep: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Ramza: Well.

(pause)

Shopkeep: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Ramza: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

[Dormin Jake]

Heh, Monty Serpentarius.

[Bastard Poetry]

HELL YES!

I'm sorry, Cyberblade, because I think this kinda goes against what you had in mind, but..

A Monty Python FFT would be too perfect!

Ramza, Agrias & the Princess approach the guard at Lionel Castle.
Which then becomes..
A lengthy discussion of coconuts and unladen swallows!

At any point when a bunch of Shrine Knights bust in, like at Riovanes to meet with Barinten.
Which then becomes..
"No one expects the Glabados Inquisition!"

Or how about:
Dycedarg, Ramza, Delita and Algus at the dinner table. Death knocks on the door.
"Yes? Is this about the hedges?"

Oh sweet Cleese.. I wish I could help you guys work on something like this, other than cheering the idea on from the sidelines.

[Cyberblade]

Ehh things are piling up so this can be moved to the spam section Zodiac and it can be just a MAKE A FFT SKIT/Skecth/scene/event topic XD

Though i will continue i just got 3 projects due next friday so yeah XD

[DarthPaul]

when wiegraf stabs gustav gustavs lst words would be "its just a flesh wound"

[Archael]

loool murak im liking these

[Skip Sandwich]

Rad is hiding in an allyway as a knight on a chocobo rides past, he looks around then then tries to open a door, only to find that its locked, he looks around worridly and starts pounding on it

RAD: Ramza! Ramza! Open up, its me, Rad, I got the stuff from the Fur Shop, come on open up the knights are gonna catch me any minute!

RAMZA (from other side of door): ...Rad?

RAD: Yeah! It's me, Rad, open up!

RAMZA: ...Rad's not here man...

RAD: No! I'M Rad! Open the door man!

RAMZA: ...Rad?

RAD: Yes! Its me, Rad, now for the love of Ajora open the god-damn door!

RAMZA: ...I'm sorry dude, but Rad's not here, you're going to have to come back later...

KNIGHT (from offscreen): There he is! Catch him!

RAD: Shit! *runs off, as he is persued by a knight on chocobo*

LAVIAN (from inside): Hey Ramza, who was that?

RAMZA: I donno, some dude looking for Rad

LAVIAN: Huh... Hey, we got any more Elixers?

RAMZA: No way man, that was the last of 'em, I hope Rad gets back soon, he was supposed to get more...

[murak]

(Agrias, Rad, Ramza, and Gafgarion approach Izlude's castle, along with some Igros castle guards)

Ramza: Hello!

Izlude: 'Ello? Who eez eet?

Ramza: It is Heretic Ramza, and these are my friends, and some of my knights from Igros Castle. Whose castle is this?

Izlude: Eet eez ze castle of ME! Lord Izlude!

Ramza: We are on a quest to find pretty stones. If you will help us, you may go on a quest that ultimately ends up battling Ajora!

Rad:  (whisper) Ramza, are you insane?!

Izlude: Hmm. Well, I 'm not very keen on that. I've already got one, you see.

Ramza: What?

Rad: He says he's already got one!

Gafgarion: (sighs in relief)

Ramza: If you will not help us, we shall have to take your castle by force!

Izlude: You don't frighten us, Igros pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a Heavenly Knight! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ramza, you and all your silly
Igros Ka-nig-ets! Thhppppt!

Agrias: What a strange person!

Ramza: Now look here, my good man--

Izlude: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed chocobo food trough whopper! I cast Bio in your general direction! Your mother was a behemoth, and your father smelt of elderberries!

Ramza: Is there someone else I could talk to?

Izlude: NO! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

[Kharan]

My turn.

EDIT from boomkick.

God, please help us, sinful...
Argh, I quit! This is stupid. God doesn't exist;
what will the more conscious, illustrated players
think of me?


Female Knight: Princess Ovelia, let's go.

Princess Ovelia: Just shut up, I've almost finished to carve "Simon sucks ass" on the altar.

Agrias: The guards have already arrived.

Priest: Princess, don't be a bitch. Please hurry...

Ovelia: Shut up you old fart. I'm the Princess, remember?

[A knight and two squires comes in from outside.]

Black Knight: What the **** is taking so long? I gotta take a crap.

Agrias: Don't be rude to the Princess, Gafgarion!

[The two squires behind the Black Knight kneel down while the
Black Knight simply bows his head.]

Gafgarion: Agrias, if it was up to me, I'd rip your innards out. But this is an
urgent issue for us.

Agrias: I'd like to see you try, wimpy, incontinent geezer.

Gafgarion: I'm being more than kind to the guard captains
here. Besides, we're mercenaries hired by the Hokuten. I'm not
obliged to show respect to you.

Agrias: What? How dare you!

[The princess stands up.]

Ovelia: Phail, Agrias, utter phailure... Teehee!

[The two squires gets up on their feet. The princess walks
over to the priest.]

Priest: You are the weakest link, GOOD ****IN BYE.

Ovelia: {Give simon a middle finger.}

[A female knight walks in with a nasty wound. The priest helps
the knight.]

Female Knight: Lady Agrias!... The enemy!

Simon: Not another one... they always get hurt and come to ME!

[Agrias quickly rushes out the monastery.]

Gafgarion: What one must do to make money. What, Ramza? You
have a problem, too?

Ramza: Let's go beat the crap outta them!

Gafgarion: ...That's right. Well then. Let's go!

[The Knight and the two squires go outside.]

Ovelia: ...*pulls out a gatling gun*


- Outside the monastery -
-------------------------

Agrias: The crest of the Black Lion!? What's wrong with Prince
Goltana!? He's such an idiot! Does he want to start a war!?

Goltana Knight: Knave! There's no point in resisting! Just
give us the Princess, or I'll run you through with my pointy thing!

[The black knight and the two squires come out to help Agrias
and the others.]

Gafgarion: Fool! Only idiots attack head on, underleveled, underequiped, and without any viable strategy!
Don't think that because you can't die we'll take it easy! Besides, MY pointy stick hurts!

[Agrias steps forward.]

Agrias: Leave this to us!

Gafgarion: We can't make money that way! Wait, we can, but it's not the point. You need my Night Sword to end the battle quickly, and I need it to end BECAUSE I'M GONNA CRAP MYSELF! Underlings, hurry up and stab this garbage to non-death with twirly stars!

Agrias: Nonsense! There's no need to kill them! That's just
what Goltana wants us to do! Just let them go!

Gafgarion: I know that already! Besides, it's NOT in the contract...

[Ovelia runs out massacring all of the enemy, then walk back inside. Then you hear her scream from the back.]

Ovelia: Let go of me!

[Agrias looks at the monastery.]

Agrias: Damn!!

[Agrias runs inside to save the princess. A knight takes the
princess through the back door of the monastery.]

Knight: Come here! Be quiet!!

Ovelia: DON'T RAPE ME! I BEG OF YOU!

Knight: What? You're too ugly deserve my Holy Raping. But I'll use some violence on you just for the heck of it. CRUSH PUNCH!

[The knight punches the princess on the stomach and puts her
on his chocobo. Agrias comes out.]

Delita: Oops, wrong skillset. Well, it worked, anyways.

Agrias: Wait!!

Knight: Don't blame us. Blame yourself or Canada. Or yourself all the more if you're canadian, which puts twice the blame on your shoulders.

[The knight takes off with the princess. Agrias runs after the
knight; realizing she cannot keep up, she falls down on her
knees.]

Agrias: Gafgarion, you stupid canuck, it's all your fault!

Gafgarion: Keep quiet! My sphincter contracts painfully each time I hear your shrilly, ghastly voice!

[Ramza sees the knight.]

Ramza: Who's that guy in the golden armor? [Rad points at Ramza] What? Am I supposed to know it? As if he were my lifelong friend, or a former comrade in battle. Sheesh...

[Cyberblade]

OH and just to let yo know all ideas will get consideration for use =P

[boomkick]

Woo!

Im not sure about this part, It may be out of order, but this is the first REAL battle in Chapter 1 with the Squire, Ramza, and Delita speaking.

Squire: Ahh a bunch of GUYS! GAY POWER!
Delita: Watch out, ITS A TRAP!
Ramza: I KNOW THAT! I'm fully resistance to gay prowess.
Squire: Haha right, wait till you see my boomstick!
Ramza: O shit...
Squire: Lets go! GAY PRIDE FTW!

I just thought that this would be fucking hilarious.

[DarthPaul]

it would be funny if you dump it on someone who doesnt know you made the changes