Hey, new maid here

[Xifanie]

I thought I was time for me to finally make an introduction topic, with everyone else doing so, but I'm still taking it with some seriousness as I encourage open-mindness, and thus, I wish for people to understand my position.

I was hacking FFT when it was still cool...
Actually, I'm very impressed how much progress FFH has made since Voldemort was fired and when Eternal joined adminship. Even if he had a lot of trouble dealing with that decision, he helped me a lot when I was broken down, and I can't pay back that to it.

Anyway, I'm going to split my introduction into three parts. Read whichever you want; Word tells me all my text has over 2700 words, so I expect a few tl;dr.

spoiler: "Final Fantasy Hacktics"

FFHacktics is my baby, and it's hard to let it go... especially when so many care about it now!

What got me interested in FFT Hacking was the lack of anyone else doing so. I considered myself a "Final Fantasy Tactics Master", and I wanted to push it even further. I started doing everything on my own, using the GameShark handbook at first to guide me with the already known data. It helped me a lot using it as a guide to determine/find/research all the other things, and in the end I had made a SCUS spreadsheet. I still had to do 95% of the research by myself after creating the "old FFH", posting my findings and all.

When WotL was announced, my first project was born: Add WotL changes to the PSX version. However, after WotL was released, I thought those changes were such trash (and not even because of the translation), that I gave up entirely on that project, deeming it not worth it.

Through years, I messed with excel, and only after 2 years I managed to ASM hack, something I had entirely learned on my own. I don't think it's that great of a feat, because ASM isn't that hard... somehow I was unable to find into about it and was just too deluded to understand it before. I was never a really good hacker though, most of my hacks are extremely buggy and I should really clean my list to remove all those which are unstable, which is about 3/4 of the list in my little ASM reference topic.

I've attempted more research in the recent years on effect files, harder stuff in general, to nearly no avail. I feel my time is over since I don't nearly have the energy I used to, but I'm happy FFH is flourishing today even without me. At least today I'm happy doing more artistic work to help, unlike the more logical stuff which is usually just depressing. I'm glad I could create a place a lot of you can hold unto, dream, while staying friendly and open-minded. This community is awesome and I'm happy to be its admin. My only regret is never finishing KoI, which is still my dream.

spoiler: "Transition"

Since I began the journey of transition, a lot of things changed for me. I was an obnoxious, anti-social, emotionless, selfish, and even a sociopath. Basically, take all the main Final Fantasy character's bad traits, and you have an idea of the bastard that I was. I wasn't happy being that way, mind you, but it was hard, if not impossible for me to see past that. I've always had gender deviant thoughts, wishing to be on the other side for many aspects of life: career, social life, recreation, and sexuality (obviously). But even with those, I never questioned myself nearly enough until I was 21 to realize all this dysphoria/depression was mainly related to my gender issues. I didn't know anything about transsexuality. In fact, I was wondering if they were girls who had some surgery to get a penis or if they were born-males with a female body. What really started changes for me was when I fell on one of candifla's video on youtube. She's a rather gender fluid transsexual and has a few very useful voice training videos. I trained to develop my female voice I always dreamt of, but a few weeks later I started to ask myself some serious questions... because even at that time I wasn't aware I was transgender, I didn't know such a phenomena could exist. That's when I decided to read on transsexual and transgender topics to find out it was something I could relate to. At the end of the semester at college, I stood unable to perform any classwork for 6 entire days, because during all the time I was awake, I tried to find a way out of that mess.

I didn't want to be transgender.
I wanted the easy way out.
But there was none.

I came with the conclusion that I was bigender. There was absolutely no doubt that I felt too female to keep repressing it. I had done so all my life and it was a thorn I wanted to get rid of.
When I started going out, I packed my female clothes and went to some far random spot no one ever trespassed by and changed there. I was scared to be called a freak if anyone saw me change, and I especially didn't want my parents to see me like this. Afterwards, I would go shopping for more female clothes as my wardrobe was so empty in that department. At first, I stayed 2 hours in my car before gathering enough courage to face people. Thankfully, it went rather well each time and each time, I dealt with less stress.

My male persona didn't gradually go away or anything. My female self was definitely the strongest, but I was afraid of surgery at that time. Having figured what I thought at that time was my true self, I wanted to right the wrongs and start Hormone Replacement Therapy. I contacted every trans help centre in my region, in Quebec, and failed to get any quick access to what I sought so desperately. I have to admit, just figuring out about my female self, doing everything I could while it was still not enough was one strong shock that drove me into depression/suicidal thoughts again. It was easily the most important thing to me in my entire life and I had to do something about it. I managed to get on a 1 year or so waiting list for a clinic in Montreal, but I couldn't wait that long. I tried going twice to no-appointment clinics, but I was too scared to go as a girl, in the waiting room, showing my ID to the woman at the counter and waiting in a room filled with people for hours. Sadly, going there didn't make a change in the world except to discourage me. I got even more suicidal, and I didn't want to die, so I ordered my meds online.

Once I got my meds, I went to the drug store to buy some syringes for intramuscular use, but they refused to sell me because I needed a prescription for that... So in the end I managed to find some shitty insulin syringes which had 0.5" needles when I needed 1.5" long. Basically, this was far more dangerous just because those idiots didn't want to give me the right needles so I would take my medication properly, yet they distribute new syringes to junkies all the time. Fucked up society. I started my hormones one month before going back to school, and I veeryyyyy slowly increased my dosage for 2 months until I had the biggest shock of my life. My brain started re-wiring to female. I'll note here that my brain is extremely sensitive to hormones, so I had a very male-wired brain before and usually transsexual's brain before hormones look rather in-between male/female brains. On the other hand, my brain is extremely feminine now. But when the changes gradually took place, it didn't take much time before I stopped feeling male; entirely. I was very scared at that time, because all my life plans were based on a male life... and I had just lost all interest in my guy dreams, my main one being starting my own gym. I talked to my counsellor at school and she suggested to pursue that path if I was going to be happier that way.

However, because I took estrogen, and I was taking very strong injections too at that time, everything changed to a big mumbo jumbo. I was so sad and crying nearly all the time for no reason, yet I had never felt happier, because I felt so alive! All those emotions... they suddenly surged, something I didn't remember having ever felt before. It wasn't all for the best though: I developed major anxiety issues and to make it short, I had to drop from college 3-4 weeks before the end of the semester because I faced far too much shit in a time lapse of 2 days. I broke down, and I knew that if I pushed myself any further I would have cut badly or killed myself. With little effort, I would have managed to pass 5/7 of my classes, 6/7 with extra effort, but as I was far too anxious to push myself any further. I went to the clinic to get a paper which would cancel my classes, and the doc wrote anxiety as the reason, but it didn't pass. So instead, I failed 6/7 of them. My chances of entering university were almost all swept away just from that.

It wasn't over though. I was highly questioning why I should live and decided to go all the way to the other side of the country to change my ideas and give a new meaning to my life; I was seriously thinking of killing myself. I had 5000 bucks I gained through work to spend, and I managed to burn it all in 3 months staying there. I was fully paying for one of my roomies' groceries and weed (she smokes far more than me) because she was broke and neither of us had jobs. No job + rent + 2x groceries + 2x weed + top hiking gear + filling my wardrobe = pricey. Very pricey. But really, what was 5000 bucks compared to my life? I never really cared about money, and I do even less today.

After that, I went back home but I was already comfortable with myself at that point, so not much happened afterwards. Learning that I was trans was a shock for most of my family and I did get weird looks at Christmas with everyone but it wasn't that bad.

I have no doubt on who I am, and I've never been so happy.

spoiler: "BDSM"

To me, BDSM seemed so strange. I was jealous of those people who could experience, feel all that more. But like everyone vanilla, I thought BDSM was mostly pain play. I thought: "How lucky these girls are for feeling pain as pleasure?" Even if I thought that way, I had absolutely no appeal to anything relating to the fetish community... that is, until my excessively strong submissive nature was revealed to me thanks to estrogen.

In BC, my roomies and I played a bit one day and I discovered spanking. I wanted to try, but I thought I would hate it. What a shock that was, especially when on my second spanking (with a belt) I went into subspace! This was the start of yet another problem I had to face: subspace addiction. This is not to be taken lightly; subspace can be VERY addicting. Even today I can't go on two weeks without pushing myself into that state using a riding crop or something. I don't think it's a bad thing though. It's a natural high, feels so damn good and provides by far the most amazing stress relief I've ever felt. I could go on forever about subspace and why I like it so much, but not everyone can reach it, so I'd rather not insist on the subject as it is a holy grail even in the BDSM community.

My first experience was the Montreal Fetish Weekend, which was quite awesome because I was able to get free lodging from someone I had only messaged through FetLife, which is probably the most generous person I know (and not just toward me). I spent about 90% of my time with people from the community, yet 3 incidents that frightened me occurred:
- I was in a junkie park, and when I realized where I was, I turned back, but then an old black man grabbed my arm and told me something, I couldn't understand at first, but then he put his arms around my waist and I totally freaked out and ran away. He said "Why are you scared of me?" I wasn't even leaving at first because of him, but in the end he DID shit scare me.
- Some drunk guy at a non fetish party grabbed my leash and asked if I wanted to go out with him, he insisted and I had to resort to force to free myself from him.
- The most influent artist photographer in Canada took a liking to me. In fact he stared at me all evening and when I went to the bathroom, I wasn't able to lock the door. I gave up, did what I had to do, washed my hands and when I was about to go out, he sneaked in. I was drunk and wasn't aware of what was going on until he asked, and insisted, to suck my dick. I said "No, no, no!" Then got out, as he stayed in to avoid suspicions

None of them were from the community. But that doesn't mean everyone from the community is nice either. I was very new to the scene and on my first day I met André. I don't know why, but I did something I do regret doing today. My friend didn't really know him; she had only spoken to him through FetLife. But in the end, I kinda turned a blind eye and let myself be spanked by him. He immediately took a strong liking to me, where I even had to ask my friend to make him back off the 3rd day. I wasn't all that comfortable with him, but he was friendly so I stuck with him. Even after the Fetish Weekend he wanted to keep seeing me, and I accepted, hoping he would get better. But for 4 months, through all my suggestions, his lack of communication, his overconfidence, his so amazing and lost prime, his blaming on me, I lived a nightmare. He told me he was doing everything for me, but he was just a sociopath unable to feel empathy or care for anyone else other than himself no matter what he thinks. I don't wish anyone to live something like that, and it's also why I'm dedicating my last paragraph on the subject.

Since then, I have come at peace with my need for slavery. I'm not even joking; I feel just so good when I submit, when I do what I'm told, when I'm praised... I don't need anything else but love. Of course, all of it still has to be consensual and I would rather serve one I love to start with. To me being a slave sounds like the perfect solution to all my issues. That way I can live a calm, simple life, filled with love and happiness, with one who would train me to become better to fill His/Her needs and guide me through life. Making others happy is the best way I have found to make myself happy, and I like it that way.

If anyone feels submissive and would like to experience BDSM, make sure to be well informed. And if you want to try out with someone you recently met, do not fail in reading and understanding this: https://fetlife.com/users/51913/posts/44928. I think you need to create an account, but if you're very interested in the subject, you'll likely need one someday anyway.

[Eternal]

Welcome to FFH where all your dreams come true!

[Taichii]

I dunno what to say XD
but..

Welcome to FFH, where all your dreams come true!

[Dome]

Wow...
I read all your intros...such stuff isn't suited for me, at all XD
But I still <3 you princess

P.s: Voldemort
Lol

[Joseph Strife]

Wow, such a story of life, i can't say nothing more than thank you for creating FFH, and be happy that now you are happy with yourself.

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

Being homeless, I understand your experiences with your newfound vulnerability.  Every homeless female I've ever met carries blades, and I recommend you do too.  Barring that, something like Krav Maga can be useful, but the most important thing for you to remember is that fighting is mostly mental - it's a state of mind.  A serial killer with a length of clothesline is more dangerous than a cheerleader with a bazooka.

Whatever else you do, remember that you are the only person who knows what is in your best interests - even if your desire in life is to be a submissive, it's still your choice.  Someone who forces you to submit, when you don't want to - because you don't know or care about that person - doesn't get it.  It's not about pain or pleasure, it's about human contact; trust, and, in the end, love.

I still had to do 95% of the research by myself after creating the "old FFH", posting my findings and all.

I'm in exactly the same position with SaGa Frontier.  I'm feeling kinda burned out, since there's so much to do, and I'm the only person who seems to care about it.  I even have an idea for a resource editor slash resource compiler, for editing field scripting, which would blow FFTPatcher and the event editor out of the water.

Any advice?  I respect your opinion on this, since you made the greatest modding community on the planet.

[GeneralStrife]

Welcome to FFH, where you started making dreams come true!

spoiler

Good told story, glad to see everythings good now. Thanks for making FFH all those years ago with nothing but the will.

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

Welcome to FFH, where you started making dreams come true!

That's right!  You made our dreams come true, Xif!

[Celdia]

Welcome to FFH, where you started making dreams come true!

Well said, GS.

[VampragonLord]

Welcome to FFH, where you started making dreams come true!

quoted for truth. was expecting a photobomb though D: "trans pics, bdsm pics, ffh cosplay"

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

quoted for truth. was expecting a photobomb though D: "trans pics, bdsm pics, ffh cosplay"

*PGF is disappoint*

@Xif:
Are you at all interested in doing an AMA on Reddit?

AMA is shorthand for "I am a (xyz)", where you have some unique life experiences, and random people ask you questions about them.

Here's an AMA in progress:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/ri3md/iama_eunuch_man_with_no_testicles_and_two_time/

AMA on Reddit:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/

[Lijj]

Praise Queen Xifanie for she made Palette Editor as well and the preview scripts to go with them!

[Joseph Strife]

Where you started making dreams come true!

Quoted for Thruth, Thanks for your will Xif!

[Xifanie]

Every homeless female I've ever met carries blades, and I recommend you do too.  Barring that, something like Krav Maga can be useful, but the most important thing for you to remember is that fighting is mostly mental - it's a state of mind.  A serial killer with a length of clothesline is more dangerous than a cheerleader with a bazooka.

Whatever else you do, remember that you are the only person who knows what is in your best interests - even if your desire in life is to be a submissive, it's still your choice.  Someone who forces you to submit, when you don't want to - because you don't know or care about that person - doesn't get it.  It's not about pain or pleasure, it's about human contact; trust, and, in the end, love.
I'm in exactly the same position with SaGa Frontier.  I'm feeling kinda burned out, since there's so much to do, and I'm the only person who seems to care about it.  I even have an idea for a resource editor slash resource compiler, for editing field scripting, which would blow FFTPatcher and the event editor out of the water.

Any advice?  I respect your opinion on this, since you made the greatest modding community on the planet.

I was actually recommended to not carry a knife with me as it could easily be used against me. I'm a terrible fighter and I don't know if I could even use a knife. At least, if I have proper footwear I can run. Fast.

I don't have much advice for your hacking; for me things changed when I taught other people how to hack, and especially when the right kind of people appeared: ones motivated to hack the game.

quoted for truth. was expecting a photobomb though D: "trans pics, bdsm pics, ffh cosplay"

I'm sorry... next time I have a photoshoot I'll message you, alright?

*PGF is disappoint*

@Xif:
Are you at all interested in doing an AMA on Reddit?

AMA is shorthand for "I am a (xyz)", where you have some unique life experiences, and random people ask you questions about them.

Here's an AMA in progress:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/ri3md/iama_eunuch_man_with_no_testicles_and_two_time/

AMA on Reddit:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/

That seems like an attention whoring site to me, plus I have no intention of going into details on what I live, it concerns only me and the ones I love.

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

I was actually recommended to not carry a knife with me as it could easily be used against me. I'm a terrible fighter and I don't know if I could even use a knife. At least, if I have proper footwear I can run. Fast.

That is much better advice.  Personally, I don't like knives, because I like to get in close and grapple.  Just be aware that the best parts of a person to hit are the soft parts - eyes, neck, groin, knees - and that how you appear (tone of voice, stance, facial expression) can be a powerful deterrent.  Even simply not reacting to someone, walking right past them as they hustle you, can blow someone off.  It's the "I don't give a fuck" attitude.

I don't have much advice for your hacking; for me things changed when I taught other people how to hack, and especially when the right kind of people appeared: ones motivated to hack the game.

I see.  That helps - it doesn't seem like much, but it is info I need.

That seems like an attention whoring site to me, plus I have no intention of going into details on what I live, it concerns only me and the ones I love.

Fair enough.  But there's a lot more to Reddit than AMAs - Reddit is the front page of the internet.

[3lric]

Thank you for creating FFH, where many of my dreams for modding came true!

I feel my time is over since I don't nearly have the energy I used to

Not yet it's not I still need your guidance.

My only regret is never finishing KoI, which is still my dream.

I still think you should finish it, I would definitely help out event-wise and such.
____

On another note, I find your Transition portion fascinating, and thank you for sharing it with us .

[Pickle Girl Fanboy]

Did you find that you had less energy, less drive, the further you went on in your transition?

[Taichii]

Welcome to FFH, where you started making dreams come true!

Praise Queen Xifanie for she made Palette Editor as well and the preview scripts to go with them!

we love you xiffie XD

[Joseph Strife]

My only regret is never finishing KoI, which is still my dream.

I still think you should finish it, I would definitely help out event-wise and such.

And so would i, it is one of my goals too. Make a patch where Delita is the main Character. Can count me in Xif.

[Durbs]

Sounds like you've had a troubled life, but you got through it. That's the biggest part. Glad everything's worked out for you in the end Xif, and

Welcome to FFH, where you started making dreams come true!

To be completely honest, I'm a little envious that you are so comfortable with who you are. I might still be a bit young yet (17) and so this just might be typical, but I feel that I still haven't 'found myself' yet, as they say.