Apology letter to Vanya, Darth Paul, and Bastard Poetry

[Archael]

I think during some of the troll hunting that went on around here in the past I got angry at two of you (DP and BP) and probably said some things I shouldn't have.

I went off on DP for white knighting people like Magitek (though he might have deserved that one) and on BP for the same reasons I think (but on another occasion, with the jukain ordeal). Shortly after BP and me had one of our fights, he stopped coming around here often saying that he couldn't deal with the e-drama and the way we treated those ppl that Zodiac chose to ban, but sometimes I feel guilty that one of the reasons he stopped coming around much is me. BP and I were very similar in a lot of ways and I feel like it hurt him extra bad when I went after him, because I think he saw me like a little brother.


I know he started his own website (Muse of Oblivion), and that's great, but I feel like it's not the same since he left, and that CoK (as well as BP), belongs here, not there. I would have liked it if he never started that site to begin with, and had a section here instead, but that's another matter I guess.

Perhaps I pissed some people off which were good members simply because they were white knighting the people me (and others) were so eager to get rid of, and I think that's really unfortunate, I really regret that. These were long time members of FFH and I had no reason to piss them off to that extreme. Disagreeing with, sure, but trolling them and angering them? No.

And Vanya, I was very nasty to you in an old thread that discussed ideas about a patch, it was a long time ago, but you didn't deserve that at all, and I was being too cruel for no reason, when you are in reality a very productive and solid member of this community.

It probably doesn't help these situations much in writing this now (kinda late), but I thought I should get my thoughts out there and perhaps BP will come back, and other things will improve.

[DarthPaul]

Thanks. In retrospect I have been a dick to you on occasions, in responses to you lashing out at me. With the timing off it just makes me look bad. Getting angry doesn't solve anything and ends up with threads like this starting.

Apology accepted, and I hope you accept my sincere apology as well. You make a good friend. You keep us in check when we ramble incoherently and when our ideas are not well thought out. In summary you are much more than the creator of 1.3, your a swell guy to know.

[Vanya]

Water under the bridge, dude! No worries. ^_^

[Bastard Poetry]

I really appreciate the apology, Voldemort, but it wasn't necessary. I didn't leave because of you, and I don't hold any grudges or anything. Although, you did play some small part in my leaving, but I'm responsible for that just as much as you are, so we're even. It's a bit hard to describe..

I suppose I should clarify a few things. (TL;DR TIEM! Fuck off biches, I'm a writer; it's what we do)

Several months ago, when all of this was going on, I was going through some extreme real life issues. On top of being overworked by a company that took delight in stomping on their employees, I had family drama going on--real infantile bullshit kind of stuff, which is frustrating, but the family members involved take shit so seriously that it resulted in a sort of collective "disowning" of me from their lives. It started when I found out my brother wasn't going to invite me to his wedding, and shit went downhill fast. The accumulation of all the stress resulted in chronic insomnia, severe health issues and mental instability bordering on homocide. (I gutted a few stuffed animals of their fluff for therapeutic purposes). My goals around that time--getting my website up and running, revitalizing my old comedic writing, writing new material and finishing Part II of the Chronicles--were all taking the backseat to my overall frustrations in life, and I found myself at the end of each day zoning out to mindless forum pursuits in a desperate effort to forget about EVERYTHING. The stress, the pains, the pressures of finishing projects, etc. I occupied my spare time either refreshing forums to keep up with the latest arguments with you, Voldemort, or arguments with someone else on another forum, or zoning out to South Park. In a word or three, I zombied out.

When I say I had severe health issues, I mean that my body was revolting to the stress. The insomnia, the pains and the anxiety attacks were all direct results of mental health problems, but the outside forces aggravated it and made things worse. I started seeing a psychiatrist, my doctor prescribed various medications, and I made strong efforts to cut all negative influences from my life--I gave the family the old trademark "King of the Bastards" middle finger (in the literal sense, as I am now, truly, a disconnected bastard with pent up rage for all their bullshit; so much for the last 7 years of struggling to maintain civility and diplomacy with them, as it all ended with a big "fuck everyone.") I started focusing on good physical health, excersize, eating well and attempting (albeit feebly) to quit smoking. Finally, I decided that I needed my hobbies--writing and playing with my CoK--to keep my mind fresh and healthy, so I decided to cut the forums out of my life while I focused on those. The truth of the matter, as far as your behavior is concerned, is that FFH became a source of negativity that I needed to cut. I was taking trivial things too seriously, and a lot of that can be summed up as such: I'm a full time employee, and full time student and the husband of what many would call an "old boring married couple." We don't party, we don't socialize much. So the friends I have online are my only source of socialization, and during these hard times, I invested too much of my self, emotionally, into the relationships I had.. on the internet of all god-damned places. I always got a kick out of your sense of humor, so even during the worst arguments, I threw just as much shit back at you as you threw at me. For that reason, I never held a grudge, and that's what I meant by us being even.

Once I got the Muse of Oblivion up, things started improving greatly. I was reconnecting with old forum friends, old real-life friends, new friends, a select few of the decent family members, etc. Life was improving, new creative projects and ambitions started, etc. So I started posting on Gamefaqs again.. but I still avoided FFH--not because of the negativity and drama that initially caused me to decide it was a hindrence to my recovery, but rather because I don't have much to contribute anymore, project-wise. The Chronicles are being worked on at the Muse now, slowly, whenever time allows, and Cheetah has been busy with FFT:Complete while waiting for me to finish doing some work I promised him. Because my brother's wedding happened recently, sans my presence, things spiraled downwards again when various extended family members decided to drop by and tear me a new one for distancing myself from the family (all the while refusing to acknowledge the fact that I WAS NOT INVITED), but I'm working on that. I'm in another slump, but handling it with stronger mental and physical felicity.

Classes started up again, I have a new job, and we lost our car in an accident and I've had to do 5-mile bike rides each way for the last few months, so I've been busier than hell on ice. However, my overall mood and ambitions have been sparking again, we just got another car, we landed some decent financial aid this semester and I'm about to cut my hours at work as a result. This will free up my time for hobbies. Everything is going to be all different sorts of giddy and golly and gay from here on out, and my CoK is going to spray magnificence all over all of your collective faces someday. I know you guys will love it, and don't pretend like you won't expect it to be wonderful.

I understand that you would prefer to see CoK have it's own section here. I'd be all for it, but I believe in keeping as much of the production secretive, since it's story-based only. Mercenaries and such can afford to reveal little plot points to the public here because it'll be the gaming experience that truly dazzles everyone. CoK depends entirely on the cinematic experience. Perhaps someday, with Part III, we could set up a password-protected production room here (since I plan on enlisting more people to create Part III).. but I don't know if Zodiac would go for that, and it'd be superfluous at this point since I already have a setup like that at the Muse.

I, however, will try to post here more often. I've missed you guys. And Voldemort, I certainly consider you like a brother at times. We have a lot in common, and I've always enjoyed our social exchanges (even the bad ones.. in hindsight, of course, when I'm less pissed off and able to laugh at how we trolled the fuck out of each other).



tl;dr Everything's all metal between us, bro.

[Archael]

I know exactly the stress / negativity you are talking about, and I am trying to avoid it now, as well.

I'm going through a rough patch emotionally right now, (that's why I haven't been on FFH much) and regretting some things I did in the past. But it's giving me motivation to do new things and to focus even harder on my goal of getting into a killer grad school, so it'll turn out for the best. Thank you for the response, it helped alot.

[DarthPaul]

I can relate to your family problems BP. When my great grandmother passed away a few years ago my family disowned me completely. My direct family does not feel comfortable around me and only let me stay with them because they think God wants them too.

The fallout with me was because my family are really religious republicans. They only tolerated me because I was my great grandmothers favorite relative, and they respected her. Now that she is no longer around they find they no longer need me around.